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 For a better, happier, more intimate relationship |
 Jacqui |
Single Again is proud to introduce Jacqueline Brandwynne
as a feature columnist.
Her Very Private® Q&A advice column focuses on relationships and
intimate
health. Jacqui started her column with a single objective "to help
people make
their relationships better, happier, and more intimate." Thirty years
of
listening and communicating with people everywhere had convinced her that
many
break-ups of marriages and unmarried relationships could be avoided. "If
people
could only understand two basic issues: how their bodies function and
change
over time, and secondly, learn how to be in touch with their feelings
and
express them, so much hurt and pain could be avoided." So she did
something
about it. She started the Very Private® Q&A advice column.
"He admitted he still loved his ex but wasn’t in love with her anymore."
Dear Jacqui,
I’ve been dating a new man for a few months. He had known his wife for four years and divorced one year ago. We liked each other very much from the beginning. As we became closer he kept assuring me that he wanted a committed, monogamous relationship.
During our last date he asked me if I had ever loved someone so much that I didn’t want to be with anybody else? Then he admitted that he still loved his ex but wasn’t "in love" with her anymore. What’s the difference? Ever since that night he’s been pulling away from me. I’m hurt and confused. Do I have a chance to having a solid, complete, relationship with this man?
Frances
Dear Frances,
Your new man can’t have his cake and eat it too. It is quite clear that he is still emotionally bound to his ex-wife even though legally free. Before he is able to engage in a full and committed relationship he needs to address these issues.
I suggest that either he or the two of you seek help from a professional therapist or marriage counselor to clarify the problem. If he’s not willing to face the music you’ll know pretty quickly that he is just dancing around the issues. You need to be clear with your message. Tell him in a loving way that you are seeking a partner for life not just for a round on the dance floor.
As to your second question; yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving. At the start of a relationship people fall in love if the initial attraction is strongly positive. When magic happens both partners feel enveloped in this wonderful rush of feelings that "being in love" is.
Such an emotional high is hard to sustain. If the relationship has validity it turns into a deeper sense of love over time, a love that can endure and grow but only if both partners are ready and free to be devoted to each other.
Jacqui
"If I say yes, does it mean I settle for money?"
Dear Jacqui,
I'm divorced and the single supporter of my teenage daughter and myself. It’s been tough going. Often I worried how to make ends meet. Suddenly life is offering me a great opportunity. The man I have been dating for less than a year has suggested that we get engaged.
I like him enormously but I’m not sure if I love him. Max has shown me more kindness than any man I've ever known. He owns a successful business and has been very generous to both of us. My girlfriends tell me to grab him. Does that mean I settle for money? Why am I torn? Silvia
Dear Silvia,
Contemplating a life partner is next to impossible without having some fundamental knowledge about yourself. When people get caught up struggling with life, proposals such as Max is offering you can look mighty attractive. But the real issue is not his proposal.
What you should ask yourself, Silvia, is what kind of life will make you happy and is Max the man with whom you can co-create what you seek? Forget what your girlfriends say. When contemplating spending a lifetime with someone, spend some time with yourself listening to your feelings. Hear what they are telling you and it will be apparent what the right choice is.
I suggest you make a wish list. There is nothing wrong in wanting financial security. It won’t taint you to admit that it is part of the practical and emotional needs that will make you content. Once you learn what’s important to you, share it with your future mate. You can only make each other happy if you both understand your individual needs and desires.
A good idea is to spend some
continuous time together, maybe take a leave of absence or spend a vacation,
so you can get a feeling about daily life with each other. I suggest you
tell Max that you feel honored and special about his proposal but that
you need a little time to sort out some personal issues so that you can
make this most important life decision with complete confidence and full
commitment.
Jacqui
"The Cat or Me!"
Dear Jacqui,
I’ve been divorced several years and recently met a lady much younger than me. It worries neither of us. Ally is forty-five and was never married. We have a lot in common and love each other’s company. Recently she invited me to dinner and made it clear that I would be welcome to spend the night. I had met her roommate, the cat, previously and knew that her pet was important to her. I’m not crazy about cats especially since I’m allergic to them.
However, I was willing to make an effort and took an allergy pill with me. Ally had set a beautiful table and cooked a great dinner. But right from the beginning the cat sat on the table and proceeded to nibble off Ally’s plate. Frankly, that turned me off but I bit my tongue and swallowed my allergy pill.
When we withdrew to the bedroom the cat got right into the action. I suggested we send her outside the bedroom but Ally objected. "Oh no, this would totally frustrate her". It was impossible for me to enjoy the experience; the cat kept interfering. The next morning Ally told me how happy she was that the cat and I had bonded. Oops! I’m taken with the lady but not her cat. Is there a possible solution here? Wally
Dear Wally,
There is a reason Ally has never been married. Her cat is clearly her true love. Many couples or singles adore animals. But when two people are involved and living with a pet both partners have to establish the boundaries concerning their pet.
Friends of mine have two terriers; they jump into bed with them all the time. But when it comes to romance the two critters are left outside. Ally should not assume that you feel the same way about her cat as she does. Many people would find it unacceptable to let a pet eat from their plates or include it while making love.
You need to broach the subject with Ally now in a caring way. Tell her how you honestly feel, how taken you are with her and that the relationship offers great promise. But also let her know of your concerns and the fact that you are allergic to cats. Explain how bothered you were when she shared her plate with her pet. Admit that you could not enjoy lovemaking because the cat kept interfering. Suggest for her to think it all over before responding. The ball is in her court. She must come to terms with what and who is important in her life. She must question what her pet’s role is in her life or should be? Her answers to you will give you clarity as to your choices. And that’s the cat’s meow!
Jacqui
E-mail Jacqui your question: info@veryprivate.com or by regular mail to: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio Show on the website every Wednesday. (310) 471-7701
"My younger boyfriend…always ready"
Dear Jacqui:
I am divorced, forty-seven and have a boyfriend who is quite a bit younger
and clearly very attracted to me. He is always ready for intimacy and
we have an exciting sexual life. It is totally wonderful Unfortunately
we don’t share a great many other interests or activities which makes
me wonder if this relationship is right for me? ...Donna F.
Dear Donna:
It’s real simple. Ask yourself if he enriches your life enough to
continue the relationship or not and then answer the question with brutal
honesty. If it’s yes, then make an effort to discuss the issue with
caring sensitivity.
Maybe he too would like to enjoy a more encompassing life together. It’s
worthwhile exploring how you can develop activities and interests to share
which might be new to both of you. If your answer is no, well then …you
know the scenario.
Jacqui
"How to be more of a seductress"
Dear Jacqui:
We have been together for two years and our relationship is really good
in all ways but… he would love it if I would be more assertive in
bed. How do I overcome my natural shyness and become more of a seductress?...Sue
T.
Dear Sue:
Many women feel like you. Little girls are usually taught to leave the
role of the aggressor to the man. Even today the image of a sexually liberated
or even assertive women still raises eyebrows in some circles. The trick
is to reevaluate your own attitude toward sexuality. What do you think
about initiating intimacy? What makes you feel shy and hesitant? Maybe
you're worried that you're not the experienced lover you'd like to be.
In lovemaking as in all other things we can always improve.
We particularly recommend two books by Lou Paget, one for women, Lovers
Gift Pack, one for men, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure. They are factual,
straightforward and non-judgmental. Once you have examined the subject
a little more closely, you might have a change of feeling and learn to
enjoy being the initiator.
You don't have to be obvious. Maybe you could think of gentle ways to
give him the signal. Suggesting a backrub with a special oil which you
administer might be a natural beginning. Leaving him an enticing note
on his pillow, choosing the music that has special meaning to you both
can be a delicate message to let him know you're interested. While a change
of roles might feel a little awkward at first, you may find that over
time your loving participation will reward you both.
Jacqui
"Black tie function…which guy to take?"
Dear Jacqui:
I have an exciting black tie function to attend for my company and some
of our top management will be there. In the past I have always asked the
same reliable " just friend" to be my escort for business related
social events. However, three weeks ago I met a new man. He’s very
attractive but….I don’t know him, and he seems to like keeping
me guessing.
After we went out the first time he didn’t say a word if there would
be a second date. I was a little surprised that he called again. I’m
attracted to him and would like to spend this special evening with him.
On the other hand, if he turns out to be just a passing fancy, I would
prefer not to introduce him to the head of the company. If I only knew…Karin
B.
Dear Karin:
I think you do know. Listen to your inner voice. Something tells you to
go easy otherwise you’d feel surer about your decision. It seems
that Mr."X" is taking his time and probably contemplating if
and when to take the next step. That’s a guy thing.
Furthermore, during the "let’s get to know each other better"
phase the process of discovery is easier without onlookers, especially
your business associates and superiors. If he turns out to be the right
one you’ll have lots of time having your friends and associates get
to know him. And remember men like to hunt!
Jacqui
You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341,
Los Angeles, CA 90049.
Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com
For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com.
We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne
Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show
on our web site.