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Buying Gifts For Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated
as it is for women. Follow these rules and you
should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything
with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying
those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your
ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his
car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or
something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men
love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that
if G-d had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace
the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of
money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as
he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -
they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No
one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some
assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his
Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest
Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere,
Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA
Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also
excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he
doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter
for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook -
but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue
with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas
line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A
Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you
love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please
refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets
a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man
a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No
one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our
cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.
Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.
"What's *just* has been debated for centuries but let me offer you my
definition of social justice: I keep what I earn and you keep what you
earn. Do you disagree? Well then tell me how much of what I earn *belongs*
to you -- and why?" -- Walter Williams, All It Takes Is Guts
"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we
expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest." -- Adam Smith
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