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Andy Rooneyisms
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away
from children.
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social
Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be
"social" nor can you really feel "secure."
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end to end, someone would be stupid enough
to try and pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach
a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites
your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in
the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough
to get out of jury duty