Single Again Magazine

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We used to be best friends in high school and had crushes on each other then but neither one of us knew it. We drifted apart and reunited and have been dating ever since. We've been living together for about three months. I am always completely honest with her but it doesn't seem that way for me. She's very sneaky especially when it comes to money. She says she doesn't get her money illegally or from another guy and

not to worry, but she always has more money than me and complains she is broke and asks me for money. I give it to her but know that she already has some. I just keep my mouth shut not trying to start an argument. I want to eventually marry her, but don't want her to get mad at me for being so nosey about her money. What should I do?

Start getting nosey!! If you hope to marry this woman, you need to understand her views on money and how she spends and saves. Money is usually a huge issue in a relationship and I think you need to understand your girlfriend's money habits. Granted, you don't need to agree, but you should at least try to get this sorted out. Either she will be mad now or you will be mad later. Your choice, but you can't be afraid to talk about these kinds of lifestyle issues. These differences exist whether you talk about them or not. You should resolve them or try to reach an understanding before you even consider getting married.

Dear Vanessa,

I have a family question that I just don't know what to think or even how to feel
exactly. I had been rummaging around my parent's documents for my birth certificate
because I need it to enlist into the Navy. Well instead of finding my birth certificate,
I found adoption papers. MY ADOPTION PAPERS. No one has ever told me that I am adopted
and only three people on the face of this earth know that I know now. I understand that
my parents were trying to protect me because my biological mother wanted to have an
abortion and my parents talked her out of it. I have the names of my biological parents,
but I still don't know if I will go about looking for them. I just don't understand how
they could hide that fact for 20 years or even think that the truth would not come out
sometime.

I do not love my parents any less, but I do not know what to think anymore. I am hurt
and angry that they have hidden the truth about my birthparents, and I definitely am
curious as to what my biological parent's problems were that they wanted an abortion.
I am guessing that I was an accident. I just want to know if they ever think about me
or wonder about me. Is this wrong? Is it wrong for me to question the only parents I
have ever known? They have provided for me in every area possible, taken care of me,
THEY ARE MY PARENTS. But I guess I wonder if my life would be different or should I
say how it would be different and I am feeling guilty about it. Is this normal?
People in my culture say that just about anyone can give birth to a child but raising
the child is the true test of parenthood. What do you think?

Sudden Orphan

Dear Orphan,

I don't blame you for feeling angry and betrayed. Most parents tell their adopted
children about the facts of their birth when they are old enough to understand. Your
parents must have a reason. You very eloquently explained your feelings and confusion
to me in your letter. I think you can do the same with your parents in person. Most
importantly, you know that they love you as their own child and that you love them as
your true parents. Remind them of this.

Now about your wondering about the "what if's". Everyone's life is filled with these
questions. You just now have the knowledge that your life could have gone down a
different path completely. It is what you make of your life right now that really matters,
not necessarily the "what could have been's" that you had and still have no control over.
Don't think about yourself as "a mistake". So many children are not planned. I think
that "unexpected" is a better terminology.

You are also completely normal is your curiosity about your biological parents. That
is your decision about trying to uncover their story and possibly finding them. Let
your parents know about your decision. I can imagine that they are terrified of losing
you and that that is one of the driving forces in not telling you the truth in the first
place.

I don't know what culture you come from, but I like the message. Don't turn your backs
on the people who chose to raise you from birth and who will care about you until death.
That is the dedication you can rely on forever.

Good luck.

Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

I need your advice as to what to do. My husband is someone I hold near and dear to
my heart. He's my best friend and we both believe divorce is not an option. We have
three children at home and two are out of the home. Our 13-year old son, in my eyes,
is the most typical of boys his age. Maybe times have changed, but hormones haven't
nor has the normal growing stages of wanting more freedom, less chores, more money,
etc.

The problem is that my husband has decided that because the our son doesn't want to
follow my husband's rules, then he refuses to be his dad. As he sees it, our son quit
being the agreeable son, so there is nothing more he can do. He eggs our son to take
a swing at him continually and finally he did. My husband caught his swing in mid air.
I stepped in and now all heck has broken loose. Our daughter has said that the 13 year
old can live with her. I said no because the problem will never be solved that way. My
pastor says that the husband is the head of the household and that I should side with
him even if he is wrong. He advises that if I side with him, then I can gently coach
him the right way. A child therapist stated that I should divorce my husband or get
marriage counseling. Our marriage is fine; we disagree on how to handle our son. It
has become so bad that my husband refuses to be in the same room as our son. I see
his behavior as being childish. It's not easy raising teens. I've tried to explain
to him that sons challenge their fathers, just as daughters challenge their mothers.
He said that it's not going to happen in our house. He repeatedly tells our son if he
doesn't like it he can hit the road. Now, I have to choose between allowing my husband
to be a dad to the rest of the boys, or leaving with all three and let him visit them
until my husband decides to wake up and realize that being a father is for life, not
just until the child rebels.

What is your advice? I honestly feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place
when in reality, I'm stuck between two stubborn hot heads.
HELP!!!

Stuck

Dear Stuck.
You certainly are in a tough spot. You seem to have it right when you say that
your son is just doing what a normal kid his age does. Unfortunately, your husband
is acting just like a thirteen year old as well. It seems as though you need to
enforce some ground rules for your son AND your husband. They both need to understand
what behavior is acceptable. Your husband is setting a horrible example for your son.
Sit both of them down together and make out a plan regarding some behavioral changes.
For example, your son needs to do his chores everyday or else...(you fill in the
appropriate punishment) and your husband needs to refrain from instigating fights or
else ... (he will do the housework for a week, not get dinner etc.). This might seem
silly (especially in the husband's case), but your son will realize that neither his
nor his father's behavior is acceptable and your husband will see how his childish
actions affect the household.

I find the advice you received from others very interesting. Ranging from passivity
(the priest's advice) to active (get a divorce). There needs to be a middle ground
since you do not want either situation. I think counseling may be very beneficial.
You say your marriage is fine, however, parenting is part of a marriage and this aspect
of your relationship is failing. It might serve some good if you and your husband were
able to voice your thoughts and opinions in a neutral environment with a third person
there to serve as a mediator. You may even begin to see eye-to-eye about your role as
parents.

Good luck.
Vanessa

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