Would You Risk Choosing A Better Marriage?

How does your partner typically feel when something you've said causes disagreement? Is your mate annoyed, angry, hurt, or deeply discouraged? Maybe what you were really communicating was your need to achieve power or control. Maybe you intended to "keep the peace" by hiding your true feelings. Instead you've forfeited an opportunity for genuine intimacy.

"We shared the same house, and that was about it," is how Nate sums up his marriage to Lois. "I thought about divorce constantly."

Wisconsin psychologist Jon Carlson describes a healthy marriage as a safe environment in which partners are equal or congruent -- free to be themselves, express their feelings, fortify their self-esteem, and, in turn, nourish their relationship. "Each partner plays an important role in creating an atmosphere of love and support, or in sustaining marital conflict," he asserts. "If either partner changes to a more effective pattern of behavior, the other has to respond differently. A good marriage begins with you!"

In the re-release of their book, TIME FOR A BETTER MARRIAGE: TRAINING IN MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT, Dr. Carlson and co-author Dr. Don Dinkmeyer, Sr. point out that the skills necessary for creating and sustaining a happy marriage are learned. "Unfortunately many of these skills were never taught to us. So all of us have blind spots and skill deficits."

Overcoming these deficits takes effort, patience, and the courage to take risks -- all of which can be achieved in small, daily steps. TIME FOR A BETTER MARRIAGE outlines a wealth of changes couples can make to correct negative interactions, take responsibility for their choices, and develop greater empathy and understanding for each other. "Congruent partners," the authors explain, "focus on the potential and resources in their relationship instead of the limitations."

Important choice-making skills for an equal marriage include:

• Learning to identify the instant when you have the possibility to choose.
• Assessing your alternatives and the potential gains and drawbacks of each.
• Assuming responsibility for making your choice work.
• Remembering that a choice can be changed.

Among the powerful positive activities this candid guide offers are developing a marriage mission statement and participating in a Daily Dialogue, Encouragement Meetings, and Marriage Meetings. Handy tear-out Daily Focus Cards help partners apply new skills as they chart their progress and evaluate their current level of satisfaction on various marital issues.

Carlson and Dinkmeyer acknowledge that potential sources of marital conflict are inevitable and unlimited. "Many marriages that seem terminally incompatible can be transformed into satisfying relationships when partners learn to define conflict as challenge requiring creative compromise," they insist. "A healthy, satisfying relationship is never accidental."

DON DINKMEYER, Sr., Ph.D. (deceased), was a psychologist and co-author of the popular book Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP

TIME FOR A BETTER MARRIAGE is available from Internet booksellers and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers at 1-800-246-7228 or www.impactpublishers.com.

TIME FOR A BETTER MARRIAGE: Training in Marriage Enrichment
by Jon Carlson, Psy.D., and Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Ph.D.
144 pages -- Trade paperback -- ISBN: 1-886230-46-3
$15.95 -- November 2002