Why Must I Be the One to
Say "No"
By Jill Curtis
To be a single parent is often
like being on a swing - up high at times and flying, but then the fall
when things are not so good!
For many, parenting on one's own can bring advantages, but time and again
I have heard the dismay behind the question, 'Why must I be the one always
to say no?' When a couple are bringing up a child, it is not always necessary
for one parent to be the 'good cop' and the other the 'bad cop' but when
discipline has to be handed out it does help by demonstrating that there
is strong back up, and it is not just 'you' against the 'kids'.
Although the words 'I'll tell your father' are probably not heard in many
homes today, when you are feeling low or tired it can be a comforting
thought that reinforcements are on the way at the end of the day. Someone
to come in and say 'Your mother is right, and you are grounded, and turn
off the TV now!'
I have spoken to hundreds of single parents over the years, and although
I heard of the many pleasures experienced I also heard of the stress.
First, when I was a family social worker and then when researching for
my first book 'Where's Daddy?', I heard many stories - told in a weary
voice! - about the uphill task of being the one to do the 'bringing up'
of baby.
Very young mothers, especially, spoke of the shock when their cuddly newborn
baby began to have ideas of its own.
Ellie: "He was a good baby.
Then one night I fed Jake, changed him and tried to make him sleep, but
he wouldn't go. He just screamed. I realized then that he wasn't a doll.
I was frantic, and that was the first time I wished I had someone else
there to share it all with." Perhaps being by yourself with a crying
baby, or a sick child, in the small hours is the hardest of all situations
to cope with alone.
But Jenny spoke for the older mothers when she told me that she finds
it hardest when her children ask her for something she knows she will
have to say 'no' about, and she can't buy time by saying 'I'll talk it
over with your dad'. 'That way"' she said, 'a joint consideration
and decision sounds firmer, rather than me saying one more time "no,
we can't afford it, or you can't stay out that late."'
A couple who have divorced or broken up can have the question of discipline
as an extra pressure. A day-to-day parent cannot afford to be as lax with
discipline as the visiting parent. A familiar scenario is that of a single
parent struggling on a tight budget and the parent with occasional access
spending lavishly on the children. This is especially hard if there have
been earlier 'no's' to requests from the children for meals out or other
treats, but who return come home from access with videos or tales of a
'fantastic day out'.
Lara: "I was pleased for
the kids to have a good time, but I could weep over the money spent on
unessential things. I would love to spoil them too, sometimes, but from
me they hear a "No, I cannot buy you that at the moment".
Even grandparents can come in for some stick, justifiably at times. A
sole parent who has the responsibility of setting bedtimes, table manners
and other rules, can have this blown away by a careless: "Oh, let
them, just this once". Kids are cute, and catch on to the situation
quickly and are not averse to playing off one adult against the other.
But at the end of the day it is the parent who goes home and has to set
up the rules again. More 'No's'? Probably, but although it may take sometime,
in their heart of hearts your children will know that saying 'no' didn't
come out of spite, but out of a concern for their safety, well-being and
protection. But until that day comes it is the weight you carry each time
you hear yourself say' no', even though the 'Pleeeese mom' or the 'Everybody
else is going' makes it hard to stick to the decision. If you are a single
parent you are judge and jury, and the children will just have to accept
that. Don't give yourself a hard time about it on top of everything else!
© Jill Curtis 2004
by jill curtis
visit Jill's website at http://www.familyonwards.com/