Trick Or Treat-Is This Make-Believe Or
The Real Thing?
By Toni Coleman
"I'll
call you this week". "Yes, I'd love to see you again".
"I had a great time". "I'm not interested in dating anyone
else". "I think I'm falling in love with you."
These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they move through
the stages of meeting and dating. At the time, they are uttered with what
feels like true emotion and honesty. No wonder the person they are directed
to is so confused when the call never comes, the person becomes unavailable,
or it soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating or deeply involved
with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see or hear? How can we
be sure?
Dating is a process of getting to know someone. It begins with an attraction,
which is formed by that first impression. Often, this first meeting occurs
by chance at a social gathering, at work or in the course of one's daily
life. More and more, it happens through a response to a personal ad and
the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person and email or
voice contact give us a sense of the other individual- but this is only
a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes real time together to create
a larger and clearer picture of this other person and their rightness
or wrongness for us. During this time we assess for friendship, attraction,
shared interests and values, and a willingness and ability on the part
of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.
Given that this is a process, it has stages. A first date helps the couple
to learn more. It is a fact-finding experience, which involves not only
the information the other provides, but our feelings and reactions to
it and to them as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt
to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable. In the
best scenario, everything clicks for both people and conversation is natural
and easy. More often, there may be questions, doubts, and/or mixed feelings.
Seeing each other again is often suggested by one or both people and is
a good way to learn more about each other and resolve any questions. But
the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire to either give
the other person a chance or to let them down easily. It's also an easy
way out for someone who is uncomfortable with this level of emotional
honesty.
So, how do we know what the other person is truly feeling? You have several
options for getting this information.
* You take them at their word and wait to see if they follow through with
what they have said they would do. Nothing speaks louder than behavior.
This option is the most common choice and can leave you in that all too
familiar holding and wondering pattern.
* You attempt to address the situation openly and candidly. This one requires
a bit of courage and an ability to be vulnerable. State how you are feeling
in a thoughtful but honest way. Ask them to do the same for you. Let them
know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how the date went
and if they would like to get together again.
* The third option should be used regardless of what you do with the other
two. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. How do they look
at you? What quiet responses do you get after you have shared something
about yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction, posture and
eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they really WITH you,
or somewhere else? If you learn to listen to the non-verbal language,
you will HEAR much more than what their words have to say.
Listening to the whole person applies throughout the stages of dating
and relationships. It is also important during this time to pay attention
to their behavior and note inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often
people don't and are stunned when a relationship "suddenly"
ends or they find out they are seeing someone who was not the person they
thought they were. Trust your instincts and listen "with a third
ear".
Remember also that the responsibility for honesty is also on you. Don't
say what you think the other person wants to hear because you don't want
to be impolite or hurt their feelings. If you really think about it, it
is more hurtful and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has
a true interest and is trying to learn yours.