Love Could be an Errand Away
By Toni Coleman, MSW
You have signed up on several large dating sites and posted a great profile.
So far, you've had some nice responses, but these haven't led to a meeting
yet. Someone told you about a singles group at your church and there is
an organization in your city for singles who want to volunteer, and hopefully
meet other like-minded people. You've lost count of all the parties, happy
hours and clubs you've been to, hoping to meet compatible singles. Whew!
It's a lot of effort just to be in the right place at the right time with
the right people.
Or is it?
In towns and cities everywhere there are single people (like yourself)
going about their daily lives. Schedules consist of long hours at work
and/ or school, commuting, appointments, errands, leisure time pursuits/activities
and everything else that is part of the fabric of one's existence. In
the course of a day, the average person encounters many strangers on the
street, elevator, store, metro, etc. Have you ever really thought about
the possibility that Mr/Ms Right could be the person behind you in line
or across the aisle on the metro? If not, now is a good time to raise
your awareness and broaden your thinking on the subject of how and where
you can meet compatible singles. Armed with some newly acquired skills,
your next chance encounter could lead to a first date and more. The following
are areas to start building the expertise that will help you to stand
out and get the right kind of attention when an attractive stranger comes
into your sights.
* Always be prepared. You just never know, so you need to make that extra
effort before you rush out of the house. Take a quick look in the mirror,
comb your hair and change those (horrid) old sweats into a nice pair of
jeans. How you feel about yourself will be projected onto those around
you, and really - you do look like your mother in THOSE pants.
* Raise your general awareness of what and who is around you. Don't walk
with you head down, avoiding any eye contact. Try smiling at people you
pass on the street and offer a nice greeting or remark to the folks who
wait on you when you shop, do your banking, pick up your clothes at the
cleaners, etc. Take special note of strangers who appear to be single
and to have characteristics you seek and surreptitiously check to see
if that cute guy/girl is looking your way. If so, smile and say hello
if it feels appropriate to do so.
* Watch your body language. Along with holding your head up, remember
to keep those shoulders back and walk with a comfortable erectness. Have
an "open" posture. Don't wrap your arms around yourself as you
stand or huddle in a corner when waiting/standing in a line. The eyes
say it all; so let yours say "friendly." Communicate to others
that you are approachable and let them see that you are interested- if
you are. What you don't say speaks volumes.
* Learn to be a good flirt. Along with body language and communicating
interest with your eyes, you will probably need to smile and have a few
good lines available. Rule of thumb- only approach someone who is reciprocating
your interest through his or her non-verbal language. Starting with a
question is always a good move. Make it real, non-threatening and impersonal.
For instance, you are in a sandwich shop grabbing lunch and you are standing
in back of a very cute guy. "Excuse me, have you ever tried the Italian
sub here?" "It looks really good, but I hate it when they add
too much oil." Safe, easy to answer and very open-ended. This allows
the other person to share their experience with the shop (or lack of)
and to add any comments or ask a question of their own. If they do, respond
back with something that offers them the chance to keep talking.
* Become a great conversationalist. Yes, anyone can master this. It's
about focusing on the other person, deeply listening and offering interesting,
upbeat thoughts and topics. With a stranger, keep it simple. After the
first exchange, ask them easy questions about themselves. Not too personal
or probing. "So, if you come here a lot to eat, you must live/work
nearby." "I've been here a few times, but don't think I've seen
you before." Or offer something about yourself. "I'm a vegetarian
and this is the best shop for meatless sandwiches that I have found."
You get it - safe, pleasant ways to ask about them, share about you and
keep the conversation going. "On nice days like this I often eat
in the park down the street- want to join me?"
* Use common sense and take precautions with any strangers. He's very
cute, but so was Ted Bundy. Never give out your home number, address or
any personal information to someone you have just met "on the street."
Most people completely understand and agree with this kind of caution
and would not be offended if you explained your need to only give a first
name, work phone number or an email address. If this first meeting leads
to an offer to get together again, accept by all means if it feels right.
But plan to meet in a public place until you have more information about
them. Once you have had a few meetings/dates, you can exchange home phone
numbers and more personal information.
* Close the deal. So, you two have been standing in line and talking while
your sandwiches were being made. You are very interested and don't want
to just say good-bye. What can you do? You can reiterate that you eat
here a few times a week and tell them that you hope to see them on Wednesday
at around noon. You can pick up on something they might have shared such
as their participation on their workplace sponsored softball team. "My
team will be playing on the mall on Sunday at 4, when do you guys play?"
Perhaps we will play opposite each other and can talk after the game."
Of course, there's always the suggestion of eating your sandwiches together
at that park down the street...
Joining singles clubs and groups, posting personal ads and/or doing volunteer
work are all great ways to try to connect with compatible, available singles.
However, they are not the only way. Many great loves started from chance
meetings in the couple's everyday world. So, get out there, really mingle
and open your mind to the possibility that when you go around the next
corner you will come face to face with Mr/Ms Right.
_____________________________________________
Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach
with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been
quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago
Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's
Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery
Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on
the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips
and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded
Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they
need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a
member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association
Of Coaches.
Toni Coleman
Helping Singles Create Lasting Relationships
http://www.consum-mate.com
Toni@consum-mate.com