Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream
Relationship
By Rod Louden
Millions of singles across
the world are looking to create relationship
bliss. It takes time. It requires energy. It mandates desire. A lot of
people have all that. What they don't have is a valid and reliable Roadmap
to Relationship Success. Whether they're accessing Yahoo Maps or their
personal database-if the information used to create a Roadmap is faulty,
they'll end up lost. If you're single and feeling lost, here are five
easy
steps that you can take toward creating your dream relationship.
Step One: Define your belief system
Ask yourself this question-what information have I built my belief system
upon? If you don't have a precise answer, it's likely that your database
is
full of faulty information. Thus, the first step toward relationship bliss
is to determine what were the sources of information that went into creating
your roadmap. For example, if you're a man and believe that if you rescue
a
woman, or if you're a woman who believes that you need to play the role
of
damsel in distress, then you have based some part of your belief system
on a
fairy tale. Bad thing to do! Great relationships are created when two
strong
people work hard to create a loving and beautiful relationship. Rescuers
and
damsel's in distress often suffer from low self-esteem. So, as you define
your belief system, which includes morals and values, be on the lookout
for
useless knowledge that needs to be deleted and replaced with personal
truths
that will propel you toward creating relationship harmony and success.
Create this new information from reality and personal experience, not
from
fairy tales, movies, and soap operas.
Step Two: Stop doing what you've been doing
Look back at your relationship history. Do you constantly repeat dating
rituals and patterns. If jumping into bed by the third date is common
practice, has this worked for you? If the answer is "No," then
why do you
keep thinking that this will lead to relationship success? I'm a fan of
Seinfeld. One of my favorite episodes is when George decides that since
everything that he does leads to unhappiness, he will do the opposite
of his
natural instinct. And, it works! This, of course, is an exaggeration of
what
I am recommending. But try being "George" for a day-break out
of your
fruitless habits and try something new. If going to bars to meet people
hasn't worked, then go to a bookstore. If getting physically involved
quickly hasn't worked, then wait. Break a link in your chain of unfulfilling
habits. What do you have to lose?
Step Three: Stop running from emotional pain
At a young age, we learn that pain is bad. Documenting knowledge about
pain
began from the moment you were forced out into this world from your mother's
womb and felt that sharp slap across your bottom. With this slap, you
were
introduced to a harsh reality of our world: it is full of painful
experiences. With every emotional and/or physical painful experience in
life, you have the opportunity to write and store knowledge about pain.
You
add new volumes every year. Moments of unhappiness, confusion, failure,
depression, and the act of making the same mistakes over and over, all
present the opportunity for you to write and store productive knowledge
about pain. The problem is that most people, who continuously struggle
in
relationships and life, create volumes of identical information about
emotional pain. They never take the time to write new lessons about pain.
Instead they run off to the next relationship, crawl into a bottle, or
numb
themselves with drugs. Take time to learn from your emotional pain, don't
run from it-it's telling you that you're belief system needs to be updated
and you need to make different choices. Think of your emotional pain as
an
ally and teacher who wants to help you create a happiness. Pain isn't
bad,
it's a necessary experience on the road of personal growth. The great
news
is that the further along the road you get, the chance of experiencing
relationship pain diminishes.
Step Four: Don't ignore warning signs
If you have suffered a lot of painful relationship moments, it's likely
that
you ignored warning signs that danger was looming. We all want to believe
that we have developed good assessment skills and that, for the most part,
most human beings are loving and caring. Thus, when we see or experience
a
relationship moment that doesn't quite feel right, a lot of us are inclined
to brush it off or give the person the benefit of the doubt. Not a good
thing to do! If a warning sign appears, don't ignore it. Rather, play
close
attention and deal with it. Why spend months or even years trying to create
a lasting relationship with someone who is not right for you. Do you really
think that you can change them? Do you really think the behavior that
led to
"red alert" is an isolated incident? Don't kid yourself. Move
on and find
someone who doesn't cause you anxiety and pain.
Step Five: Love yourself first
A lot of people look to others to make them feel like a whole person.
You've
likely heard the expression, "My other half." I use the expression,
"My
other whole." If you're looking for another person to fulfill you,
good
luck. Try fulfilling yourself first. Once you feel that you are an empowered
individual-that will not accept any inappropriate behavior from a
significant other, you are well on your way to relationship bliss. A person
who loves him or herself, values him or herself and won't tolerate anyone
treating him/her poorly. Learn to be alone and happy with yourself. Then
go
out and look for a partner. You'll likely find that your standards will
be
far higher and, with that, you'll attract a whole "new and improved"
population of prospective mates.
By incorporating these basic philosophies into your life, you'll greatly
increase the probability of finding your "soul mate." Once you
have created
your new roadmap to relationship success, follow it closely. You can't
change others, you can only change yourself. Have fun making these changes
and never give up. Remember, it's the struggle that sets the stage for
greatness.
Rod Louden is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Woodland Hills,
California and the author of Monster Relationships: Taming the Beasts
that
are Killing Your Relationships.
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visit www.monsterrelationships.com