Emotional Intelligence And Great Dates
By Toni Coleman, MSW
For days you had been anxiously anticipating your first date with HIM.
You met online weeks ago and spent time getting to know each other through
cyber and phone chats. Finally you both felt it was time to take your
virtual relationship to the next step. Meeting at a nice coffee house
after work seemed like the perfect plan. You made a special effort to
look your best and to plan your workday so as to not be late. You were
nervous but feeling positive that this, at last, could be the start of
something real.
The traffic was awful and you were 20 minutes late, causing you to feel
rushed and a bit on edge. It was hard to tell, but he seemed a bit annoyed
when you finally came face to face. You must have been distracted by this-
because you didn’t shake his hand or offer a warm greeting before
you sat down together. The conversation seemed to get stuck on the bad
traffic, your awful workload, your difficult boss and your repeated apologies
for being late. You emphasized frequently that you are a fun person who
is always on time. You went on to share many of your other virtues because
you felt it was important for him to understand that this was not the
real you- just a bad first impression. He seemed rather quiet and perhaps
a bit edgy and you noticed him looking at his watch a few times. He mentioned
that he had to meet a friend later and you panicked, trying to think of
more to say to change his mind. So, how did it go so terribly wrong? What
did you do or not do that turned this into another dating disaster?
Does this scenario sound even vaguely familiar? If so, you may be thinking
that this guy should have been more understanding. After all, everyone
has bad days and it should be a given that no one can be on their “best
behavior” all the time. You may also be thinking that there was
little else she could have done in the situation. After all, she apologized
and then tried to communicate her feelings and explain why she was not
able to relax and be herself.
This situation is a great example of someone trying to think their way
out of a situation, while blocking their self-awareness and shutting out
the unspoken messages from the other person. In a nutshell, this woman
demonstrated low emotional intelligence, even though her IQ is probably
above average. In case you are wondering what the difference is between
these two, you need to know what EI is. Essentially, it is a capacity
to use reason to understand one’s emotions and the emotions of others.
When someone possesses high EI, they demonstrate an ability to utilize
their emotions to enhance thinking, perception, expression and management
of themselves and those around them. It requires good self-awareness as
well as awareness of what others are feeling and expressing- both verbally
and nonverbally. Our emotions are usually demonstrated through the level
of energy we express- and tuning into the energy changes in ourselves
and those around us is a way to raise our awareness and EI.
If this woman had a higher EI, how might she have handled herself differently
on this first date? To begin with, she would have begun managing her anxiety
before arriving at the coffee house. Perhaps she would have tried some
self talk, reminding herself that getting upset about being late would
have a negative impact on what she said and how she came across. Had she
worked on getting this into perspective and focused on presenting an open
and positive introduction of herself, her date would (most likely) have
quickly let go of any annoyance he might have been feeling at having to
wait. From there they would have moved on to a pleasant discussion of
how their day(s) went and other topics of mutual interest.
Instead of strained silences, glances at the time, pressured conversation
(that sounded like a desperate Hail Mary pass) to try to salvage the date
– there could have been laughter, great conversation, intense listening
and the beginning of a new (non-virtual) bond between them. Instead of
this woman trying to tell him what she is really like, she would have
shown him that person. Even if the physical chemistry was not ideal, the
possibility of connecting around a shared sense of humor, good comfort
level and mutual interests would have left them with the option of a second
date – and more time to explore where this could lead.
When preparing for your next first date, remember to bring along a greater
self- awareness and a commitment to tune into the verbal and nonverbal
messages expressed by this other person. Make an effort to observe how
you interact with friends, family, co-workers and others- and ask for
feedback from the people you know will be honest with you. Increasing
your EI is the greatest investment you can make to ensure that all your
present and future relationships will be healthy and mutually satisfying
ones.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder
of http://www.consum-mate.com.
As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national
publications including; The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New
York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family
Circle, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men's Health, Star (regularly quoted body
language expert), and People magazines. She has been featured on ABC news,
Discovery Health, AOL news, MSN, and Match. Toni is also the featured
relationship coach in “The Business And Practice Of Coaching,”
( Norton,September 2005); and is the author of the forward for,”
Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life, One Touchdown At A Time”
(Simon and Schuster, November 2005). From March 2005 until December 2005,
she was a weekly contributing commentator (love and dating coach) on the
KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO). Toni is a member of The International
Coach Federation, The International Association of Coaches and The National
Association of Social Workers.