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Does He Respect You
By Debra Johanyak, Ph.D.
Kathy, 34, has given up dating.
"Men today just want to use women," she complains. "They call when they need a date or their ego stroked."
When her marriage ended last year, Kathy participated in a divorce recovery group at her church in an effort to overcome low self-esteem inflicted by her verbally abusive husband who she also felt took her for granted.
"He expected me to be there when he needed something–money, companionship, sex. Never mind about my needs. The name-calling had been going on nearly the entire five years we were married. When he started pushing me around, I knew it was time to go," she explains. An attractive redhead with lively brown eyes, Kathy’s mouth tightens as she continues.
"I waited almost a year before going out with anyone, and then it was a guy from my church. He was a newcomer, but he seemed polite. After a few dates he stopped calling as much and when he did call, it was to borrow a few dollars or make excuses why we couldn’t see each other." She sighs. "Number two was a divorced co-worker. All he wanted to do was sit around my apartment and watch television, waiting for me to cook dinner. I don’t mind hosting once in a while, but that was all we ever did. When he frequently criticized my cooking, I told him we weren’t well-matched."
Kathy’s story is all too common. Never-married professional women along with divorcees and widows have discovered a new breed of single men–and the discovery is disappointing.
"Maybe it’s the backlash from feminism," forty-one-year-old Naomi muses. "But men today just aren’t into old fashioned manners and courting like my father and grandfather were. The ex-spouses have child support and visitation issues to juggle, while the professional men are really into building their careers. Some of them, even Christians, want to move in together to save money and "test-drive" marriage."
Comments on March 8, 2003, issued by U.S. Ambassador Ellen Sauerbrey, U.S. Representative to the Commission on the Status of Women, indicates that President George W. Bush’s January 2002 State of the Union address included the idea that America "will always stand firm for [among other things] respect for women;…" Secretary of State Colin Powell stated "Women’s issues affect not only women; they have profound implications for all humankind." http://www.state.gov/g/wi/rls/18767.htm
Though the need to respect women is an international concern, it is a shrinking commodity in some respects. In keeping with the soaring divorce rate, more couples are choosing to live together before marriage, even though eight out of ten will never make it to the ten-year mark, including those who marry. Of course this contradicts Biblical doctrine to avoid fornication and stay pure until married. Single women must carefully consider the men they spend time with. Many counselors say that a healthy relationship should be based on respect. So how can a woman tell if her boyfriend respects her?
1. Gut feeling. If you feel disrespected, chances are your impression is right. Reflect on the time spent with a person you are seeing and ask yourself what he does to make you uneasy. Does he raise his voice? Become easily irritated? Insult you, even in a "teasing" way? Decide whether these are appropriate behaviors.
2. Time management. Does he call when he’s supposed to or "forget" and then apologize? Everyone forgets occasionally, but if it happens frequently, there may be a problem. Does he show up on time for dates? Does he see you regularly? One woman went out with a man who saw her only on Sunday afternoons. It turned out he was married with a family. Does he have to rearrange his schedule to "work you in"? Are dates frequently changed or cancelled, especially with little notice?
3. Mutual support. Does he show interest in the things you like? Does he encourage you when you feel low? Is he supportive of your goals to the point of asking about progress or offering to help? Or does conversation focus mainly on his needs, with little attention to yours? Is he sensitive to difficulties in your life–a divorce, an elderly or sick parent, a child rearing issue? Or is he too busy to notice and care about these things?
4. Personal attention. Does he make you feel special by sending notes, cards, or small gifts? Do you go out in public together? A naïve twenty-two-year-old found out that her boyfriend who wanted to stay out of public places was engaged to another woman and having a "final fling" before settling down. Does he show courtesy by opening doors or walking on the curb side of the sidewalk? While "manners" may seem old fashioned, courtesy never goes out of style. Discern whether he is already taking you for granted or treating you as someone meaningful in his life.
5. Conflict resolution. Do you argue often? Is it over little or big things? Who usually wins? Is there a sense of give-and-take as well as orderly discussion, or do you feel bullied or pressured to accept his way of doing things? Does he swear, use obscenity, become physically violent with objects, or lay hands on you? Does he blame you for most of the problems? Does he respect and accept your point of view when it differs from his?
6. Trust. Has he lied to you? If so, does he sulk when found out or apologize and stop doing it? Is he where he says he’ll be–and when? Does his family speak well of him? How about his friends? Employer and coworkers? Does he have a criminal record? A string of broken relationships? Several children by different mothers? Unpaid bills or bankruptcies? While any of these things need not serve as a "red light," they can indicate potential problems and they require evaluation before the relationship becomes serious.
If you’re unsure whether the man in your life respects you, talk to a professional counselor for an objective opinion. Some women struggle with low self-esteem and are unable to confidently assess their relationships with men who may be taking advantage of them. Other women, insecure from previous problems, overreact to men who sincerely care about them and thus cheat themselves out of a potentially happy outcome.
"The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity" (Proverbs 11:3). It’s not easy being a single woman today. But with Scriptural guidelines, Godly mentors, and Christian counselors, wholesome dating choices can lead to satisfying and God-honoring relationships.
The End
Debra Johanyak, Ph.D., teaches college writing. She is the author of Shakespeare’s World (Prentice Hall, 2004). To order the book please visit http://www.prenhall.com/english or http://www.bardworld.com. You also can contact her directly at debra@bardworld.com