Are You Fit To Love?
By Allie Ochs
Are You Fit To Love? is the most important question we’ll
ever ask ourselves. Let’s face it, our relationships are extremely
important. In fact they are the essence of our lives. Yet, for many relationships
are the cause of pain and struggle often rendering us powerless to bring
about positive changes. Single or not, societal standards convince us
that when it comes to relationships we can have it all. As a result we
have developed a pervasive ‘what’s-in-it-for-me’ attitude
with an emphasis on superficiality. In addition, much of the available
relationship advice compels us to go after everything we want from our
partners. Sadly, for many it is not working. Climbing divorce rates and
an increase in the number of singles seeking love are proof that our behavior
and attitudes are counterproductive. We need to be reminded that being
in a relationship is really about being with another person.
Our expectations of each other have become highly unrealistic. Rarely
do we look in the mirror and ask: Do I give what I am asking from my partner?
Am I fit to love? We resent each other for unmeet expectations. When the
resentment grows faster than our love and respect for each other, lovers
turn into enemies and relationships into war zones. Today's relationships
are failing because of deterioration of characters. It is time we made
a point of building long-term relationship success based on the strength
of our characters, instead of clever-minded relationship rules and strategies.
Great relationships require great characters, a fact that will never ever
change. Our relationships are only as good as we are. We simply must become
better people for each other. Becoming fit to love is a relationship reality
check that forces us to look in the mirror and become inspired to create
a better character within. This powerful wake-up call is not for the faint-hearted,
but for the brave. It will dramatically improve our relationships or our
chances of finding love.
The happiest people are those in exceptional relationships. We admire
and even envy these people. They are heavily invested in their most valuable
asset: their relationship and have an abundance of life’s most precious
commodity: love. They all have one thing in common: they are fit to love.
At the heart of all exceptional relationships are three universal principles:
mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity. Unless we understand
and apply these principles our relationships will be subject to resentment,
frustration and uncertainty. Being fit to love is taking a radically different
approach to successful relationships and here is what it means:
1. Mutual Respect: Your partner is just as important as you are.
Our partner’s dreams, hopes, wishes and expectations are as important
as our’s. This principle requires us to be unselfish and think of
our partner as our equal. Given that our generation has made history as
ambassadors of our "me first" society, we are more concerned
with getting what we want than thinking of another. For Bill everything
revolves around golfing. He spends every weekend at the golf course while
his wife Jane looks after their two small children. Extra money from their
already tight budget is spent on Bill’s hobby. Stuck at home with
toddlers, Jane has very little freedom or money to do or buy anything
special. Despite Jane’s complaints Bill seems completely aloof to
the fact that he is behaving disrespectfully.
How differently life turned out for Karen and Lucas even though they experience
a huge interest-clash. Madly in love, they are making future plans. Karen
wants to live in the city in a squeaky clean condo with nearby shopping,
restaurants and cultural events. Lucas loves the country, gardening and
pets. The differences don’t end here. She prefers fine dinning and
classical music. Lucas likes roadhouse cuisine and modern beats. This
sounds like trouble, but by honoring their opposing beliefs they turned
their dilemma into a real bliss. They moved to a small town in between
the city and the country. Karen couldn’t help but fall in love with
the puppy Lucas brought home, even though she was dead set against pets.
They simply focused on the positive in their diversities and embraced
the richness of each other. They respected their differences and did not
insist on their own views. As a result they deepened their love and now
live the best of both worlds.
Relationship conflicts arise because of different perspectives and beliefs.
Lovers find themselves arguing over who is right, instead solving the
issue in their mutual best interest. The ongoing struggle over unresolved
issues leads to resentment and frustration even when there is love. Love
and respect take a backseat and the relationship deteriorates. This is
not only a dangerous game but also the reason why many relationships fail,
when they shouldn’t. This downward spiral continues unless we stop
wanting to be right and be in control. Instead of trying to change each
other or putting our needs first, we must realize that our partner is
just as important as we are. In grabbing hold of our partner’s beliefs
or buying a share of his or her dreams we show that we respect our partner
as much we do ourselves. If conflict arises and we cannot agree on a solution,
we should simply agree to disagree and continue to talk with respect and
honesty. Without true mutual respect, it is impossible to create loving
relationships with staying power. Being fit to love is the realization
that another person is just as valuable as you.
2. Moral Responsibility: You are always morally responsible to those with
whom you have relationships.
We live in a society that elevates self-fulfillment above anything else
and the term moral responsibility is hardly part of our vocabulary. We
seek self-fulfillment at any cost, even at the cost of others. Regardless
of how many times we have heard that we are not responsible for our partner’s
happiness, we are responsible for his or her well-being. Love is still
a moral responsibility to another person. In our relationships we have
the power to make each other feel exceptional or miserable. How often
do we blame our partners if things do not work out without looking in
the mirror to see our own character flaws. We are far more likely to make
excuses for our behavior not realizing that everything we think, say or
do affects those we love.
Jennifer had lunch with her friend Sally at a quaint restaurant. Jennifer
could barley wait to share the details about the blissful affair she is
having with this young stud. Sally listened in awe as Jennifer blamed
her so-called inattentive husband, Paul. It was a strange twist of fate
that Paul sat behind the flower-decorated lattice wall listening to every
word his wife said. From here on everyone’s life took a different
dimension. Jennifer had deceived her husband Paul, betrayed her word,
disregarded her children and lost the respect of her friend Sally. This
is a high price to pay for moments of sex. What Jennifer thought, did
and said affected the lives of those she loved. She had shed her moral
responsibility towards those who counted on her.
In our quest for better relationships, we must make our relationship a
priority. We must focus on our relationship not elsewhere. As Mary O’Hara
said: Love cannot survive if you just give it scraps of yourself, scraps
of your time, scraps of your thoughts. We are responsible for the state
of our relationships. Realizing that we are indeed morally responsible
to those we love is vital to being fit to love.
3. Authenticity: True love only happens when you are real.
Have you ever found yourself laughing simply because everyone else did?
Agreed with your partner’s opinion even though you didn’t
share it? Told your lover you had a fabulous time when you didn’t
or said: "I love you" when you didn’t mean it. In other
words did you ever do something inconsistent with your true self just
to please someone, get attention or get what you wanted? Of course we
all have. We have lost the bravery to be real!
For many there is quite a gap between the person inside and the person
they present to the world. How about Toni, the dad who rents a Porsche
to impress his date, while being delinquent in child support. How authentic
is that? Laura, owner of a marketing firm, supports and votes for the
political party most of her clients belong to. Yet, she neither has faith
in the candidate or the agenda of this party. Debby spends every Sunday
at Grant’s parents but resents it. To keep the peace she refrains
from claiming some of these Sundays on her own terms. Donna, a serial
dater knows how to pick guys. As soon as her friends find her new dates
socially unacceptable Donna dumps them. Donna no longer takes the time
to get to know her dates. Instead she allows her girlfriends to decide
for her.
To be validated by our lovers or to be socially accepted we often compromise
who we are and what we believe in. Conditioned by our environment we have
become products of the culture we live in and are in somewhat disconnected
from our identities. No matter how good we are at playing roles for each
other, eventually we encounter role conflict and our truth emerges. True
love does not unfold unless we are real. Being fit to love means being
real. It means removing all the layers of pretense and becoming vulnerable.
When we are authentic our relationships become real and we never have
to doubt them. To love, we need to know each other the way we know ourselves.
Love only works when we are real! Our authentic self is the best of us.
It is where our goodness lies imbedded in the strength of our character.
To be fit to love we must encourage authenticity in each other.
Regardless of the state of our current relationships or how unsuccessfully
we have tried to find love we have the power to radically improve our
circumstances today. The three principles of being fit to love are as
true today as they will be twenty years from now. Mutual respect, moral
responsibility and authenticity are the essence of exceptional and loving
relationships. Because people in exceptional relationships are fit to
love, they are positive role models in becoming better human beings for
each other. They put love before every thought and action. In the process
they reap some profound rewards:
· People in exceptional, loving relationships live much happier
lives
· They cope far better with stress
· They have better sex more often
· They laugh more often and have more fun
· They are healthier and live longer
· They are more optimistic
· They complain less
· They feel validated and needed
· They feel more secure and stable
No wonder we envy these people. Their relationships are like rock-solid
anchors. In times like these, laced with tremendous uncertainty and uproar,
their love shields these couples from the restlessness most of us experience.
Mahatma Gandhi said: "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it
is the prerogative of the brave". Let’s be brave!
© Allie Ochs, 2004 www.fit2love.com
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