Your New Friend - Who Is That Sitting Across From You At The Table?
by Phil Philcox
So you got divorced and your husband left you the house, half the savings account, the car and the three kids. Fortunately, he’s making the house payments but you’re working to keep up with the other debts and the cost of living. You’ve been alone now for ten months and you’re lonesome...and maybe a little desperate. Along comes Jack H., 46-years old, retired Air Force colonel (so he said), owner of a profitable business he sold in California before he moved to your area (he said), father of two sons (he said) and heavily invested in the stock market (he said), and living comfortably (he says). While it appears he’s telling the truth, his investments (he says) tied up much of his cash, so you’re paying for dinners, trips and even helping him out when he was two payments short on his leased car. To make a long bad relationship story short, eight months later, Jack disappears with the car, the $3,600 he owes you and some of your jewelry.
Could this happen to you? It sure can. It happened to my 41-year old sister in California and it cost her almost $3,000.
When you meet someone, ask yourself: do they want me or do they want what I have - my home, my money, my other stuff? Often you’re lonesome, you find someone compatible and are ready to add some enjoyment to your life. Who thinks about checking someone out when they’re fun to be with?
Things like this happen all the time and in all age groups. The next thing you find out is that new person in your life has other wives or husbands, has a criminal history, owes tens of thousands of dollars to creditors and has a record of meeting lonely people and taking advantage of their situation. Don’t let emotions be your guide, so be smart now, not later.
Charles Rahn, a retired police officer and chief investigator for A Very Private Eye, Inc. In Orlando, Florida (http://www.averyprivateeye.com/ - 407-273-6646) says, "before someone gets involved with someone else–involved beyond casual dating or in some kind of business deal –they should know something about that person, something other than what that person told them about themselves."
"Certain clues may manifest themselves as early warning signs," he says, "especially when a relationship is just beginning to take shape. Be aware of the statements that warn of trouble ahead. Your safety, your money, your happiness–even your health–are at stake. People lie most about whether or not they are married. They also lie about their occupation, their education, and their financial worth. Are they vague or evasive in talking about themselves or answering questions? Is there something suspicious? Suspicion (within normal ranges) is Mother Nature’s most overlooked and underrated defense mechanism that manifests itself strongest when one perceives they are being lied to. If you suspect something is wrong, something might be wrong, so investigate or have them investigated."
Here are some do-it-yourself tips Charles gives his clients when they’re conducting an investigation:
Do you know where that person lives? Do they hesitate giving you their home or work telephone number? Do they only give you their cell phone number? Do they always come to your place to pick you up for a date? Have you met their family and friends? When and where do they suggest you get together? Do they hesitate in going out together in public...especially if it’s a small town? Are they willing to speak about their previous life and personal facts? Does that information sound true? Is there a lot of boasting (he spent time in the military as a spy, a jet pilot, a deep sea diver, or a CEO of a major corporation), she was a model, came from a well-to-do family, she has a Ph.D. from a major university, she ran a successful company, etc.)
Try this: invite your new friend to dinner at your parent's home or to a get-together with your friends or arrange for your friends to meet you and your date somewhere by chance and let them rake him (carefully) over the coals. If he or she is boasting about military service, have a friend with military service show up to see if the stories ring true. Of course, there’s only so much you can do since some information is not readily available to the general public. In the case of military service records and other hard-to-find information, you can hire an investigator to provide you with the truth.
"You can ask questions without the person knowing the reasons behind the questions," Charles continues. "You just have to be sneaky about it. Where are you from? What do you do for a living? How long have you been an attorney, a pilot? Where were you stationed while in the service?" In a twenty-year career, most military retirees have spent time in eight to ten places; so one story about combat awards is only part of the story. Where did you go to school?"
If you listen carefully with an open and curious mind, you'll know after a while if someone is being truthful with you or not. If a person is evasive and doesn't give you a good answer when questioned directly, you'll get a feeling about it. Those who set out to deceive tend to be people who come from a very distant state or from out of the country. They’ll be very sketchy about their backgrounds, their families and won't go into detail. They might say, "You don't really want to hear about that or my wife/husband suffered a tragic death that I don’t want to talk about."
In the business world, a lot of information can be verified with an employment application. In personal relationships, you don’t have that advantage, but there are things you can do. Be assertive and don’t hesitate to pick up the phone or go hunting on the Internet for information. Once you have your new friend’s address and place of employment, you can talk to people. Talk to their neighbors; check out their addresses and telephone numbers. These are easy to look up in reverse directories on CD or on the Internet. You can enter an address and get the name or names of the occupants. You can enter a phone number and get an address. Some of these databases are available on CD although they become outdated quickly. City property records will indicate the landlord of a given address, so call them and ask. Tell them you’re thinking of renting an apartment or home and would like to know what kind of tenants they were. Do they own property? It's public record and you can find out if you exert yourself.
If they claim to have been or are a CPA, a doctor, or attorney, check with the state licensing boards. You can verify an individual's education by calling the institution mentioned. Ask for the Office of the Registrar or Student Records Department. If your subject is a professional person who must be licensed to practice, call the Department of Professional Regulation in the capital of the state in question to inquire. These folks love to help.
"If a person tells you they graduated from Harvard," Charles says, "it's very easy to call up Harvard's registrar's office and ask. You don't have to be a professional investigator to verify that information. A lot of people exaggerate their schooling background or lie about what school they went to."
You think your new-found friend might be a bigamist? There's an easy way to check him out. Find out where he lives and where he has lived in the last couple of years. Go to the courthouse and see if there's a marriage record on file. If you can’t go and you’re really concerned, hire an investigator in that area to do it. Check the marriage and divorce records. If you locate a spouse or former spouse, you may decide to question that person about your friend but be prepared for some personal opinions.
Watch out for people over 40 who claim to never have been married. Studies show that only ten percent of people over 35 have actually never been married.
Have you ever been to their house or apartment? Why do they always suggest they come to your place instead? When they do come during the week, do they only stay a short time? Then, all of a sudden on a weekend, they're able to stay longer, perhaps even overnight? This is some indication they’re accountable to someone for their time but on weekends can feign an out-of-town trip and spend that time with you.
That’s the hard way. If you’re serious enough and want to invest a few dollars, you can call in the experts and let them do the work. Just pick up the phone, let them know what information you have and they’ll take it from there...and it’s all 100% confidential. The same confidentiality applies to investigators as apply to doctors, lawyers, and even priests.
Most reports can be supplied in a few days or less. As an employer of a news agency, I’ve had Charles investigate several of my would-be employers. The score? Six hired, two too suspicious. Charles and his group have connections to some of the largest databases in the country and can do everything from basic background checks to full checks including criminal histories. Rates? Reasonable enough considering what might happen if you don’t check first.
It’s the 21st century, times and people have changed," Charles says. "We can no longer accept everyone on their word. If there’s any doubt and it’s a serious enough relationship, check them out." Check a mate, check a date, check a nanny and you can have the upper hand.