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Single During the Holidays
By Christine Smith
"I wish the holidays were over and done with. I really do. I don't
have anything to celebrate. Blinking holiday lights just seem to me to
be a waste of electricity. I dread all those holiday parties and the questions
from my friends and family -- the `how are you doing now that you broke
up with your spouse?' kind of questions. Well -- I'm doing fine. At least
that's the answer I give everyone. But when I really listen to my innermost
thoughts -- when I really allow myself to feel what I'm feeling -- I'm
not doing so fine. To be honest, I feel lousy.
"Watching a couple walk down the street hand in hand makes me feel
even more depressed and empty. Listening to the holiday cheer makes me
more lonely than ever before. And I'm angry. I don't have anyone special
to share the twinkling season with. I feel like I wasted all that precious
time in a relationship that ended up nowhere. My entire holiday season
has been ruined even before it started. I hate my ex and I hate myself.
My life is a mess. I'm a mess. What's wrong with me? I want to be happy.
I'm supposed to be happy. During the holidays everyone is supposed to
be happy.
Right?"
Yes, that's right! During the holiday season everyone is supposed to be
happy. But what is supposed to be, and what actually is, are often two
very different things. It seems that during this time of year everyone
is on a mission to spread holiday cheer. But what if you don't feel very
festive? What if you can't find any holiday cheer within you to spread
around? What if you just separated from your spouse, or if your divorce
just became finalized? What if you were living with someone, and that
relationship has just crumbled beneath your feet? Maybe you were dating
someone and that new budding alliance died before it even had a chance
to blossom, and now you're mourning your loss. To you, this holiday season
feels like doom and gloom, especially when everyone -- and that includes
you -- is supposed to be happy during this festive time of year.
Well it's okay. Yes, it's okay to mourn -- it's okay to feel sad. You
just experienced a loss and you have the right to shed a few tears and
sulk under the covers. But this terrible hurt doesn't have to last forever.
Over the past five years I've interviewed hundreds of people just like
you who have experienced the breakup of an intimate relationship, and
I discovered that one out of every four of them not only recovered from
their personal trauma quickly, their lives actually turned around, and
they found themselves happy and flourishing shortly after their relationship
ended. How did they do it?
At the moment, you're not feeling very good about yourself. No one is
running over to you, slapping you on the back and congratulating you for
breaking up with your significant other. But let's take a closer look
at your situation. Let's see who you really are. It's an obvious scientific
truth, that biologically you are a unique human being. There is no one
in the world who has ever been exactly like you, and no one in the future
will be exactly like you either. You are special. You have unique qualities
and traits that no one else possesses. There are things that you can do
better than anyone else in the whole world. You shine bright in certain
areas where everybody else is dull. Now is the time to concentrate on
just how wonderful and unique you really are, and on all the wonderful
things that you are capable of doing. It's time to take inventory of yourself.
It's time to sit down, get a pencil and a piece of paper, and write down
50 special, unique qualities and traits that you have. Yes, as tough as
that sounds, you have to write them down. As I said earlier, one out of
every four people I interviewed not only recovered from their personal
trauma quickly, they actually turned their lives around, and my research
revealed that this was one of the most important steps they followed.
The results were fantastic.
You say you can't think of 50 wonderful things about yourself? I know
that's what you're thinking. 50 wonderful things -- wow -- that's a lot.
Well then, this is the time to turn to your support group. Remember all
those friends who were asking you how you're doing now that you're solo?
Here's how you answer them: "If you're a close enough friend to ask
me about such a personal situation in my life, I need your help. I need
your input on an important self-help project I'm working on. I'm making
a list of 50 of my best qualities and traits. Could you tell me what you
think are some of things that are special about me, and what you think
I do well?"
All of a sudden, the conversation will turn into a positive exchange and
you will start feeling better about yourself. Your self-confidence will
increase, along with your feeling of self-worth. Keep that list close
to your bed. Keep adding to it and read it every day. Come on. You are
special. Give yourself credit for all of the wonderful things that you
can do -- for being the wonderful person that you are. Look at yourself
through your own eyes, not through the eyes of your ex-significant other.
His or her view is only that -- his or her view. Your view is your own
reality.
Now that you're feeling better about yourself, it's time to dive into
the real meaning of this holiday season. It's the Season of Giving. When
you give friendship -- when you give time and care to someone less fortunate
than you are -- you get back an abundance of peace and joy. Volunteer
a few hours at a nursing home or hospital and help brighten someone else's
life. Give hope to someone at a homeless shelter who lacks the self confidence
to enter the workplace. Visit an animal shelter and share the love of
a puppy or kitten. If you have children, take them with you and let them
experience the true gift of giving -- the true joy of this holiday season.
Dr. Mitchell Flaum, clinical psychologist specializing in issues of divorce,
states: "Images of warm loving families produced by the media during
the holiday season create expectations that cannot always be fulfilled.
Newly separated or divorced individuals may feel frustration and depression
during this time of year. They need to realize that they are not alone,
and in order to do so, they have to find a surrogate sense of family.
This can be obtained by giving of oneself to someone else in need. Helping
at a soup kitchen, for example, will produce a feeling of joy that will
become a lifetime memory."
My five years of interviews with divorced and separated individuals revealed
that there were eight specific steps that were followed by that 25% who
turned their lives around -- steps that enabled them to flourish after
their relationship ended. Acknowledging Your Special Qualities is one
of those steps. The Post-Divorce Reconstruction Program that I developed
from the research, incorporates all of the eight steps utilized by every
member of that fortunate 25% in a unique, how-to approach that outlines
the successful path to a fulfilling life after divorce. To learn about
all eight steps of the Post-Divorce Reconstruction Program and start enjoying
your life -- perhaps for the first time -- or to order the program for
a friend, contact: PDR Publications at: http://www.postdivorce.com, or
call toll-free: 1.888.828.LIFE.
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