Learning from Loss, Learning from Love
By Leticia Araujo Perez
It's so easy to have dreams, fantasies, and standards as we wonder how it will feel when we envision ourselves falling in love. Oh, as a young girl or young boy in our innocent and naïve minds, it’s so delightful imagining how our married life will be, envisioning the connection between husband and wife ‘til death do us part.
When the time of transition of adulthood comes and we believe we have met that man or woman whom we believe will make us complete, it’s not hard to find ourselves infatuated with physical lust, giggling silly, and walking on clouds as we whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears, as we walk down the street or stroll through the grassy pastures of a summer park.
We have crossed the boundary of liking each other and now we find ourselves slowly or quickly falling in love. We believe this feeling will never end. We find ourselves being swept off our feet, regardless of the signs of trouble and/or red flags that are waiving us down intuitively, telling us to slow down; perception is not always reality.
In the first few months of our spirits as one, our thoughts toward each other can be sung like a hymn, using any of these following phrases as we think of one another, when we’re apart: "He notices me." "She makes me feel good." "He makes me feel excited about life." "Can you believe it, she’s in love with me." "He finds me worthy of his love." "She sees me as her shining prince with all of my weaknesses and my faults." "Oh, my God, I’m living my most cherished dream. I know this feeling will never end."
Though, I admit we hardly knew each other and maybe we put up our best facades to keep the fantastic highs in our relationship, and it seemed our marriage was more of a burden than a joy, why was it such a shock to the heart a couple of years later when papers were served at the door announcing your request for a divorce? No one ever told me that going through a divorce would be so devastating, such a horrific blow to my self-esteem, and feeling like such a slow and tormenting death.
In hindsight, as the years have passed by and I find myself pondering the ups and downs of my life, I would have never believed anyone if someone would have told me that a love like ours would have ever ended and broken apart. I remember quite clearly the painful phrases that we’d scream at each other in the heat of anger with our heads spinning in confusion and hurt: "It’s over." "I want out." "I need to find myself." with my conclusion, "I feel weak and I can’t believe this is happening to me." "I guess I’m simply in denial as I find myself now falling asleep alone." "Yes, maybe we weren’t ready to be married." "I guess we both contributed to the falling apart of our marriage."
The sunny outlook on life is now cast with a shadow of a dark cloud as I find myself feeling angry, lonely, and resentful. This is not natural to me. I feel embittered, sad, and torn apart. What happened to the love we once had? Had the distance, the non-communication, and the lack of respect for each other’s feelings just too much to bear for our fragile relationship? "This is surreal." "I don’t want to believe it." "We’ll make up tomorrow, but tomorrow comes and go, and as each day passes, we’re getting more distant." "Yes, I guess this must be true." "I guess you won’t be back." "Now, what do I do?" "I guess I must step forward and become the woman I’m meant to be: a single mother with my child with my whole life ahead of me."
As the judge asks, "Do you accept this divorce?" All I can say in my trembling voice is "Yes, I accept," as I quietly concede in my soul, as I look over at you, to your wishes, and let go of you now with your new title of ex spouse. "You seem so strong and so full of life." "Why do I feel so sad and so weak?" "Can I get through this?" My mind can’t stop reminiscing of our wedding day and the memories of our courtship and our marriage, as the judge keeps on speaking to me, asking me questions I’d rather not answer. I know in my head that the best thing for me is to let go of this marriage, but I simply feel overwhelmed and defeated, as I come to the realization that my first marriage has failed, is dead, and has no hope for reconciliation.
We don’t talk to each other anymore; now, we only communicate through our high paid lawyers about child custody and child support. "What ever happened to those sweet nothings that meant so much to us?" "Yes, I know, those days are gone, now that you have a new love."
After the break-up of my first marriage, I found it so easy to fall in self-pity when I’d look out the window and observe the beauty of love through couples of all ages, full of warmth and true love for each other, as they walked down the street outside my home.
It was sad when I finally resigned to the truth of what happened and the reason why our love died. We both contributed, really, to the death of our relationship. I worked long hours, was prideful, and immature. Your betrayal, deceit, staying out all night, only exacerbated the distress and pain of our superficial relationship. The knife of the pain to my heart was even more jagged, when all of those red flags suddenly made me regret not heeding the advice of others that I wanted so badly to dismiss.
Now, I understand the wisdom gained and the respect of the loss of a marriage through divorce. Because of this experience, thank you my dear ex, I will never judge another going through marital distress. I have grown. I simply am not the same. I can only wonder deep down in my heart if I will ever give love a second chance?
A few years later as I reluctantly went to a dance with my mother, it all happened one day ironically on a Valentine’s day. Being a single mother now, happier with myself than I have ever previously been, and having decided to move on with my life, I feel alive and good to be by myself and single again. I have gained self-love, and self-respect, tools I have never had in my life. Through counseling and therapy I came to the conclusion I would never accept disrespect or humiliation. And when I least expected it, here he comes, my true love, my second husband, who, as it turns out, is the love of my life. As I feared and trembled as I looked into this man’s beautiful eyes when he asked me to dance, I quietly asked my Higher Power to guide me and protect me and to teach me to enjoy the precious moments as I made a new friend and danced to my heart’s delight that night like I hadn’t ever before in my life.
The months go by and we date. To my amazement, this man is patient, respects the pain of my past, and respects my feelings of fear of not wanting to get too close too quickly or to commence a serious relationship. He reiterates: "It’s okay to let go." "Don’t fear." "I’m not your past." "I will wait and hope that your heart will open up." Oh, my God is all I can say, as I slowly wonder if I can take another chance on love. "I like him." "He’s wonderful to me." "He’s so different from my past experiences but I feel scared, so should I just bail out by comparing?"
I push him away. He respects my wanting space. "I am starting to miss him but I don’t want to miss him." "I know I can do it on my own." He brings me flowers when I least expect it, reading me a poem or two on the phone when he’s far away. "Oh, my God, what do I do?" "I’m falling in love with this man and he loves and treats my son as his child, too." I struggle not to give my heart away to this man’s God-fearing arms, for fear of the past and fearing that he too might tear my heart apart.
Should I hold my experiences of the past against him for the only reason of his being a man or should I surrender and let this man’s love envelope me and come into me like a feeling that now seems so foreign to me? "My God, what do I do?" "I’m a single mother now and I can’t make hasty or irresponsible decisions. I simply have too much to lose." Yes, I’ll let time go by, lots of time, and see if he’ll wait to see if my ambivalence and fear of rejection pass.
Yes, years have now gone by and now I find myself happily married and expecting my second son. "Oh, my God, thank you Lord, I’ve let go of my past, enjoying the present and looking forward to the future with my new husband, and now with an extra bonus, my young son will now have a loving little brother soon." "What a beautiful thing it is to learn from the past and to learn from love."
"Dear God, you’re right. It is possible to start again." Thank you for the wonder of true love and providing a smile on my face with self-love and self-respect and a mutually loving relationship. As I look out the window, that happy couple I used to observe outside is now living inside my home.
By Leticia Araujo Perez -Author of Making your Record: Courtroom Guidebook for Attorneys and Law Students published by the National Institute for Trial Advocacy, www.nita.org and also available on Amazon.com. Contributing Writer for the Oregon and Washington Law Journals. Freelance court reporter for the San Francisco Superior Court.