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Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 25, 2000
By Wayne and Tamara Mitchell
Forewarned
I am a divorced female who has been dating a man for over a year. Two months into our relationship he admitted he cheated on all three of his ex-wives. He said he was older and wiser now, and wanted a life partner. I was leery, but his honesty overshadowed my fears.
In the beginning he kept in constant contact with women he'd dated, not telling them he was in a committed relationship. I asked him why, and he said they weren't important to him so why tell them personal information. When I finally put my foot down, he let them know.
Dealing with his latest ex-wife is another matter. He owns a pawnshop, but her name is still on the loan. He hired her to work over the Christmas season, and she said she didn't want me in their store. My boyfriend's female assistant is a close friend with this ex-wife, and she tells her everything about our relationship.
Now the assistant has started making inappropriate comments to me. One day I came into the store, and they were in the office with the lights out. He was napping and she was playing computer games. She came out and said, "Oh, no! She caught us." They both thought it was funny, but I didn't.
I recently learned my boyfriend had a one-night stand three months into our relationship. Also, his previous assistant keeps calling and coming into the store even though she now lives in another city. He cheated on his third wife with this woman. I got angry and told him to get rid of her, or we were done.
Personally, I think he's addicted to women and can't say no to any of them. He was a fat, dumpy kid when he was growing up, and I think he has low self-esteem. These women seem to boost his ego at my expense. We've talked at great length about his past, but there is always another woman crawling out of the woodwork.
Unfortunately, he changes only when I threaten to leave. I keep hanging in there, but I'm running out of rope.
Debbie
Debbie, in the ancient Indian story called the "Mahabharata," there is a riddle. "Of all things on earth, what is most strange?" The answer is, "That a man should see death all around him and not believe that he will die." Of all things in your letter, what is most strange? That you should believe a man who cheats on all his wives, wouldn't cheat on you. In fact, he already has.
When he told you his past, he wasn't being honest. He was predicting your future. He was also protecting himself. When it happened to you, he could say you knew from the beginning what he was like.
As long as you make excuses for him, you will stay in the relationship. The excuses allow you to blame something other than him. Something you can't change. As long as women make excuses for him, he will have women he can cheat on.
Wayne
Misguided Motivation
I am a 51-year-old gay male seeking a long-term relationship with a French male. For a year I've scoured the Internet trying to find such a person, without success. I don't speak French, but I start classes at the end of the month. Can you help?
Darrell
Darrell, I once overheard a group of teenage girls talking about "the man I will marry." One said, "He will be tall with sandy hair, blue eyes, and a successful architect." Each of the others also "knew" exactly who they would marry.
That's what your letter reminds me of. You're picking someone French the way you might pick a blue sweater. That only works with inanimate objects. Love comes first. When there is love, it doesn't matter if the other person is short or German or sandy-haired.
Tamara
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF (www.YourOtherHalf.com).
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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