Affiliate
Sponsor:
Warning Signs of Dangerous Relationships
by Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D.
A psychotherapist in Encino, California.
You're single again, only this time--happily so. You're doing well, life
is humming along and the last thing you want is a relationship to come
along and wreck your life. A strange thing to think, perhaps, but the
current dating/relationship scene can be fraught with peril: it seems
not a day goes by when you don't hear about yet another person battered
or even murdered by a lover (or ex-lover). Yet . . . you don't want to
spend your whole life alone; you yearn for companionship, romance, and
yes--true love. What's a person to do? Don't give up on having that relationship
you long for, instead, learn to distinguish Mr./Ms. Right from Mr./Ms.
Wrong.
I've come to realize from my many years of working with victims of relationship
violence, both as a trial consultant and psychotherapist, that there is
a distinct pattern in many of these violent relationships. The Mr./Ms.
Wrongs of the dating and relationship world are likely to behave very
early in a relationship (usually within the first three weeks) in a way
that offers warning signs of their potential for violent behavior. You
can learn to spot these warning signs and walk away from what can be a
relationship filled with abusive behavior, or worse, one that can prove
life-threatening.
Warning Sign #1: The Whirlwind Beginning. A potentially violent relationship
almost always starts with great intensity. There is lots of affection,
attention, time spent together, passion; it seems "too good to be
true." Somewhere in the midst of all this wonderfulness, Mr./Ms.
Wrong will pressure you for something you're not ready for or don't want:
having sex before you're ready, moving in together before you're ready,
seeing you every moment of every free day when you'd like to be with your
friends at least sometimes. You'll object to their pressure. A Mr./Ms.
Right might be disappointed, but they'll back off. A Mr./Ms. Wrong will
continue to pressure you sweetly, charmingly, adoringly until you give
in. If a person can't respect your needs, your preferences, your discomfort
at this stage of the relationship, what makes you think that person will
respect your wishes later? At first, Mr./Ms. Wrong pressures you with
sweet words, gifts and passion, but later they pressure you with cruel
words, intimidation and fists.
Warning Sign #2: Possessiveness. When Mr./Ms. Wrong chooses you as their
loved one, it feels fantastic. But for these individuals, you belong to
them, literally--body, heart and soul--to do with as they please. They
will immediately attempt to control your time and who you see. Mr./Ms.
Wrong will want you to be available for what they want, when they want
it. Mr./Ms. Wrong is often so charming and seductive when taking your
time and your attention, you are happy to give it. Only later will you
realize that in the process you have become isolated from friends and
family, and from your hobbies and interests.
Warning Sign #3: The Switch. Until now, your Mr./Ms. Wrong has been wonderful
to you. Then, at some point, for no apparent reason, Mr./Ms. Wrong suddenly
becomes mean and nasty, either by getting unbelievably angry, or by withdrawing
into a state of icy forbidding calm. Either way, the dream is over. Mr./Ms.
Wrong has just revealed their true colors. Abusive individuals typically
have exaggerated emotional responses. For example, Mr./Ms. Wrong will
explode if you smile at someone you pass by in the street, if you fail
to pick up their dry-cleaning, or if you're 10 minutes late. Mr./Ms. Right
may be irritated or annoyed, but they won't have a major emotional reaction.
Warning Sign #4: The Blame Game. Mr./Ms. Wrong has trouble taking responsibility
for anything that goes wrong in their lives. At first, it just seems like
they have the worst luck. Their mechanic always overcharges them, or forgets
to repair something; they get passed over for the promotion because someone
else was cozying up to the boss; they're short on cash because the ATM
wasn't working again. First, you sympathize, you feel bad for this marvelous
person you're dating. Soon, however, Mr./Ms. Wrong will start playing
the Blame Game on you. Now, every little thing in their life that goes
wrong isn't just somebody else's fault, it's YOUR fault. And they will
tell you about it repeatedly. Suddenly, you, who could do no wrong, can
do no right. No matter what you say or do, it's wrong. You start to feel
like you're walking on eggshells. It is time to reconsider if you really
want to be in this relationship. Not only is such blaming behavior emotionally
abusive, it is a behavior characteristic of people who become violent
in relationships.
These first four warning signs of the potentially violent relationship
almost invariably happen within the first few months of dating. They are
all indicative of a relationship based on one-way power and control, not
based on equality and mutual respect. You can make sure you don't get
involved with a Mr./Ms. Wrong by following these guidelines.
#1. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed by a Whirlwind Beginning. Stay true
to your own needs and desires. Don't allow yourself to be pressured in
the name of "love" or fear that the person will leave if you
don't give in to what they want. Mr./Ms. Wrong will always want more than
you can comfortably give. Don't give in to that. It's abuse.
#2. Deal with Possessiveness: Make some space in your life for your new
love, but keep seeing your friends and family. Maintain those hobbies
and interests that are important to you. Notice what happens if you try
to live your life "normally," in a way that fits for you. How
does your new love respond? Will he or she be supportive (a Mr./Ms. Right
response) or somehow try to persuade you to live your life entirely according
to his or her wants and needs (a controlling Mr./Ms. Wrong response)?
#3. The Switch. Get some feedback from friends, family or a counselor
when confronted with what seem emotional over reactions by your new love.
Friends and family are often more objective than you. Pay attention to
what friends and family say: they love you and want the best for you.
If the person you are dating doesn't seem to care about how their anger
or withdrawals hurt you, you're in the wrong relationship. Down the line,
Mr./Ms. Wrong won't care about how their blows hurt you either.
#4. Refuse the Blame Game. When your new love tells you "It's all
your fault," and "If only you wouldn't . . . " it's so
tempting to try to "fix" whatever it is. Unfortunately, an abusive
individual has no end to the things that are "all your fault."
If you find yourself endlessly "fixing," you are in the wrong
relationship. A good relationship is one in which both parties take responsibility
for whatever goes wrong in the relationship.
When you see these warning signs, be smart and walk away. Get out of the
abusive relationship. It could easily lead to violence. You do not have
to put up with the Mr./Ms. Wrongs of the world to find your Mr./Ms. Right.
Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist in Encino, California. She
is the author of Dangerous Relationships: How to Stop Domestic Violence
Before It Stops You (1997, Insight Books). She welcomes E-mail via her
website: www.primenet.com\~n_nelson.
© 1997 - 2000, Single Again Magazine -- All rights reserved.