Changing Friendships
By B.J. Hobbs
The divorce process is horrible. I know all about it. I've been divorced three times. I've lived through all the months of marital difficulties -- days filled with reconciliation, counseling, self-analysis and agony. Their support, acceptance and I valued my friends who held my hand and commiserated with me. Their support, acceptance and love were important, especially at this time when I felt so isolated.
Unfortunately, when the actual divorce action began, many of these relationships changed. Not only my close friends who were aware of what was happening, but also friends, relatives and co-workers who learned about my problems for the first time looked at me differently. I found myself unwelcome among those with whom I thought I had established strong relationships. Many made judgment calls before they really knew the details.
Does divorcing your spouse mean you have to divorce your friends, too?
In the midst of this emotional ordeal, one is not prepared to deal with the loss of friends at time when the family structure is being so completely changed. The damage caused by their rejection during the separation and divorce process can be devastating. Not only are you dealing with the agony of the divorce process and the financial, physical and legal problems inherent in the action, but you may also find you are persona non grata. "My friends acted like I had the plague all of a sudden," said one divorcée. "They seemed to think singleness was catching or threatening in some way. Suddenly, they didn't want me around their husbands/boyfriends--as if marital status somehow makes the possibility of adultery less likely!"
So how can this damage be contained? Here are some suggested steps:
First, be prepared for this potential change in your relationships with people.Some people will never approve of your divorce. Most do not understand what you have been through. Few understood the choices you had to make. Not being a couple changes the dynamics in couple-based relationships. In the final analysis, the loss of those friendships cannot influence your decision to seek this legal solution to your problems. You have to accept responsibility for that decision and go forward with your life, however it would henceforth be.
As you see the change is your friends' attitudes, you often don't realize that your own attitude has changed, too--perhaps so subtly that you were not aware of the difference. Unconsciously, you may attach memories to some relationships--memories that are painful to you now. You may associate one or more of the group with your spouse and attach the same antipathy to those persons that you are experiencing toward your spouse in the divorce process. Be objective in your analysis of your relationships. Eliminate bitterness from your interaction with your friends. Be prepared to adjust your perspective and deal with it realistically.
Second, prepare your close friends for the divorce. Tell them about your impending actions before the news comes through the rumor mill or through the viewpoint of those not sympathetic to your problems. Rather than having them blind-sided by this news, find a way to quietly let them know what you are doing and why. Cultivate their understanding and acceptance, but don't insist on it. Don't expect your friends to take sides in the divorce, but be prepared if they do. Then, accept their reaction. Let go of the driving need to somehow be justified in your actions by everyone around you.
Third, re-evaluate those friends who seem to distance themselves from you now. What is the basis for the friendship? Do they make a significant contribution to your life? Do you to theirs? Some may not be sure what to say or how to deal with the divorce. Do you need to reach out and make the contact or to give them time to get used to the new marital status?
Many of these friends come from special activities like church, theater, sports, neighborhood or school, things that you may have done as a couple. These people may be waiting to see if you are going to continue to participate. Take a good look at your personal interest in these activities and decide if you really want to continue out of your own special interest, not just because your and your ex did it as a couple. Don't be intimidated by your "singleness" in the group. If you truly want to continue to participate, do so with the understanding that it may take a while for the relationships in the group to adjust. These are very special friends with whom you have had some very memorable experiences, and you should not leave without taking a good look at your reasons. You may choose to continue to participate in the activity but change groups -- a different church, another neighborhood, a new theater group--but look for the same kind of friendships you had before. All special interest groups have similar types of participants.
In the end some friendships will be lost forever. These losses cannot be helped and should not be dwelt upon. There may be reconciliations in the future. Don't cut these friends off out of bitterness. Be as understanding of them as you would ask them to be of you. Andrew Schultz, a licensed professional counselor, describes the necessity of saying goodbye to some relationships and dealing with the loss of these people in one's life. "The initial pain of a goodbye does not last forever. Goodbyes can teach us about the value of relationships and how those whom we have loved have touched us. Goodbyes move us from one state of being to another. Goodbyes help us find ourselves in a changing world."
Fourth, find new friends that fit into your new status. These friends may come from activities you seek in new areas of interest that you determine to be important to you. Activities for singles will introduce you to persons who have experienced the same trauma that you have and who feel sympathetic to your new lifestyle. Be cautious that these are not people who carry their divorce story around like a movie they need to play out in front of you. Bitterness is not a positive thing. Don't be bogged down by those who wave it like a banner. Find people who are upbeat and looking more for enrichment in their friendships than they are sympathy.
Ultimately, I found love and support among many members -- not all -- of the friends who had been in my life before the divorce. Friends and neighbors made a point of inviting me to activities. Co-workers asked if they could help in any way. Relatives put aside their personal feelings about divorce and supported me in my new life. These people became very special friends because they had seen me through this especially tough time. The comfort zone was re-established in my social life. This will come for you, too. Be patient.
Friends come into your life through many doors and stay for different lengths of time. The loss of friendships is a sad part of the divorce process. Instead of dwelling on its negativity, look around at the new positive possibilities you have before you. Strengthen yourself with contributions you can give and receive from your friends, whether they are from your pre-divorce life or after. A positive, upbeat attitude will do more for you in your relationships than any thing else. You have a new life ahead of you. Get on with it!